Transition to life

You know, when I started this massive journey, several things led me towards it. I am now having to deal with so many things that I have "pushed under the rug" with school and work and the routine of keeping myself occupied on so many levels. It's not easy to rip the scab or scar off wounds that are 4 or 5 years old. I love my job. I love helping my patients work on making themselves better, but I don't want to face myself. Maybe I don't know who I really am. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find. The last week or so has been really hard on me. Not work wise, but home wise. I don't have kids, I don't have a husband, so in essence I just have myself to focus on. I wake up by myself and I go to sleep by myself. Most of my days are spent alone. Most of the time, this is not a problem ~ say, when I need to study or focus on some major event like the NCLEX or something, but for some strange reason, all of those focuses have gone away. I've found myself crying a lot. When I'm not crying, I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I had a really good visit with one of my close friends tonight. She graduated in May. I told her a little bit about what was going on and she just listened. When I was done with my story, she told me that she felt the same way. This transition to life is hard. She has a family and it was still hard. I asked her how long she felt this way, just so I could have an idea of what to expect and she told me about two months. I really don't want to feel this way for two months. I would honestly rather work 7 days a week and be completely physically exhausted than feel like this. I hope that this phase passes quickly. For all of my fellow graduates out there ~ I just wanted to share this in case you were feeling the same sense of not knowing exactly what to do with yourself. I know my sense of self will come back to me. I know that I will like who I am. I also know that I have a lot of healing to do with myself. My past has been brutal to me. Here's hoping for a beautiful future! Thanks for listening to my rant. And don't worry about me too much, I promise I'll be okay! cjb

Let the project begin

I have been extremely busy for the past few years with school and such and have neglected many things in my house. The main one being my storage unit. When I went to get my Christmas tree out, I noticed that I had some minor water damage to my storage unit. This meant that I was going to have to go through all of the boxes to make sure that everything was still good. I have also decided to transfer what I'm going to keep into plastic Sterilite containers. Since it is in the mid-50's today and partly sunny, I decided to finally start my mission today. The boxes on top are the worst off. I have managed to throw out 3 bags and 3 boxes of trash already. I have quite a bit I have to shred, since it does have personal information on it. So, here's to un-pack-ratting myself! Hope you are all having as productive of a day as I am. I'll keep you updated, cjb


Edited update: I have stopped for the night. It's getting chilly outside and I don't want my heating bill to be outrageous. I probably managed to get through a little less than 1/2 the boxes. On a sad note, I had to toss out my high school diploma because it was completely covered with mold and mildew. I don't think there would have been any way to salvage it. I was able to throw out a lot of things that I've been needing to throw out of my life. Some of them were hard to throw away, but I realized that there's absolutely no reason to keep them other than to remind myself of the pain that those memories caused me. I have a huge sack of stuffed animals and the like to go to a good cause. I even found some of my old Barbies. Why does a 31 year old single female still need Barbies? Those went in the donation pile, too. I'm sure that the rest of my storage unit holds just as many surprises. Stay tuned for details! :) cjb

I'm Officially Official

So, this is what came in the mail today. In case you are wondering what it is, it's my license to practice nursing in the state of Texas. When I opened the envelope and actually held it in my hands, I burst into tears. I've worked so hard for this piece of paper. It's hard to believe it's actually mine. It's kinda cheesy because it's printed on perforated paper, but it's mine none the less. They were also kind enough to include the information from my NCLEX, which included the mug shot they took there. I seriously look scared to death!

Anyways, that's the big news for today. I've also been updating my links on my sidebar. If I've forgotten you, or don't have your link and you would like to be added, please send me a message and I'll happily take care of that. I'm really liking my new layout. I don't think I'll be changing things anytime soon. It's too much work! :)

I hope you are all having a great weekend. I'm still contemplating starting my "BIG" project of sorting through my storage unit. Somehow, I always find better things to do. My friend, Jen, and I went and saw 27 Dresses yesterday. It was really cute. After that we went to dinner and then went black light bowling with another one of her friends. I haven't done anything like that in a long time. It was a much overdue (and might I say, unplanned) night on the town! I had a blast and needed it! :) That's what I've been up to in a nut shell. I'll catch up with you when I have more to talk about, cjb

Ch-ch-ch-changes are on the way . . .

So you may have noticed that I'm making some changes to my blog. As if I don't have enough to do with myself right now, I'm going to play with my blog and some HTML for a little bit. Unfortunately that meant losing all my links and such. Please bear with me as I get my page back up in running order. As I start making my links up again, if I forget to link you, please send me a message to let me know, I promise it's not on purpose!

I had a good day at work today. I'm very tired, but it's a good tired. I had complete care of one patient and partial care of another. I'm not far off from going to bed. It's a cold night in North Texas with threats of ice/freezing rain. I'm just glad I don't HAVE to go anywhere tomorrow ~ and it's pay day!

Hope you all have a great night! cjb

Catchin' up

I know I haven't posted since Saturday, but I really needed to relish in the moment of passing my NCLEX! Today I logged on to the BNE's website and found my actual license number. So, as of today, the BNE considers me an RN! I don't have to stress about that stupid test anymore. I just have to focus on becoming the best nurse I can. I'm going to digress a little bit to bring you up to speed on what's been going on with me.

Friday was my first full day on the floor with my preceptor. I wasn't sure how everything was going to work out after our last encounter pre-NCLEX, but it was good. (Between you and me, I think it was a combination of my lessened stress and her being talked to by management!) So, we decided that I would take a patient. We had one that was supposed to go for CABG, but it was canceled due to the surgeon being sick. The patient ended up being discharged. This worked out well for me because a lot of what we do on my floor is discharges. I need to be able to discharge a patient like the back of my hand. It took me awhile to work through the paperwork. We still do paper charting at the hospital I am at. We are supposed to be transitioning to computer charting sometime early this year, but we'll see when that happens. I worked with my nurse to get as much of the paperwork on my own as possible. Overall, I did okay. After this patient was discharged, I had a few things to take care of in other departments, so I left the floor for a few minutes. By the time I came back, we had another patient. Neither one of us knew we were getting this patient until my preceptor got the phone call. She must have gotten the call right after I left. This patient was post-cath with chest pain and EKG changes. This was another good patient for me to have because we get a lot of post-cath patients. This patient came to us on a nitroglycerin drip. Overall, it was a good day. I learned a lot about care of post-cath patients and assessments. I felt pretty good about how the day went even though I had to ask a lot of questions about how to chart what we were doing. I don't go back to the floor until Thursday, so I'm hoping that it will go a little bit smoother then.

This week started my internship classes. I have to drive downtown for my classes and most weeks I'll only have class on Monday. This week, however, class was Monday and today. Yesterday was chock full of cardiac assessments and basic EKG interpretations with sinus rhythms. By the end of the day, I knew I'd be making a stop on the way home to purchase calipers to help me read the rest of the EKGs through the rest of the classes. Today was focused mostly on the lungs/pulmonary system. We did a lot of ABGs and scenarios. I was much more brain dead by the end of today than I was yesterday. My biggest challenge with class is going to be finding the balance on when I can leave to be there in time. If I leave too early, well . . . I get there way too early. But if I don't give myself enough time to sit in traffic, I can be late. Since I am literally in the heart of downtown, I don't want to chance it. There is a nice lobby that we can sit in if we get there early, so that's kind of what I'm using for now. I'll play with my times a little bit until I find the "perfect" time (that is barring any major accidents or highway shutdowns).

I think that pretty much catches you up on my goings-on. Oh, except for the fact that I completely rearranged my living room this weekend. I'm getting ready to start going through my storage unit and I need more floor space in my living room (since it is still winter). I think it will work. I'm still trying to decide. Also, I have a TON of NCLEX study guides and other nursing study guides that I am going to be posting on eBay/Amazon in the next week or so. There's no point of me holding onto them if they can help out another person who has yet to go through the torture of the NCLEX!

I'll try to be better about posting, but on class/work days, it pretty much won't happen. Hope you all have a great week! Until next time, cjb

THE RESULTS ARE IN . . .

And, I PASSED!!! Sorry for keeping some of you in suspense!! I'm off to make more phone calls and relax for today! Thank you all for your support and kind comments! I'll post about my day on the floor later! Pickle, RN

I'm home

and I feel sick. I totally agree with Hoosier. The NCLEX stinks. I got to the site waaay early. I was able to start early though, so that helped. I had a ton of priority questions and in the end when it cut me off at 75 I was just begging for just a few more questions to prove my competency. According to Pearson, I won't have my results until Saturday, so I have to find something to occupy my time today. I work tomorrow, so that shouldn't be too bad. That's all I have to say for now. Thank you all for your sweet comments and well wishes. Here's hoping for the best! cjb

The countdown is seriously on . . .

So I finished my last day of study for the NCLEX today. I hope I did enough. I spent the afternoon at my favorite sandwich shop. I took my computer up there so I wouldn't be tempted by the various things I have to do at home. I could watch TV, I could knit, I could clean. Oh so many things to do except to study for NCLEX. Alas, these things will wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow is my play day. It has to be. I'm saturated with information. I can do this. I will do this. I have to do this. I've worked way too hard to come this far not to do this. I may drive down to the testing site just to make sure that I can find it without a problem on Thursday morning. Among my other plans are to go here to treat myself. I have major stress that builds in my neck and shoulders and would like to get it released before I go take THE test. I could go on and on, but it would be pointless. I'd just be rambling. I hope everyone out there is doing good. As always, thanks for your kind words of support! They mean so much! cjb

Getting Nervous

Well, I successfully managed to make it through nursing orientation. I survived my mini-meltdown and somehow even had a good last day. My weekend so far has been spent doing nothing but NCLEX questions. I've done over 500 questions a day so far. I plan to continue this routine the rest of today, tomorrow and Tuesday. Then Wednesday will be spent relaxing and overall just working on my mental health.

That's really all that's going on here. I take my exam first thing Thursday morning. I already have plans to meet a friend for lunch. I promise to post and let you know what I think of the exam. Until then, I need to focus on my studies. I'll post again later in the week, cjb

Orientation? What's that?

This week has been interesting, to say the least. I don't know exactly where to start telling you about this other than to just start. I think I told you that the hospital customized my orientation because I was transitioning from unit secretary to graduate nurse, so it wasn't necessary for me to sit through all of the orientation this week. In order for me to get all my hours we worked out a schedule for me to work three 12 hour shifts and be on the floor when I wasn't in class.

So I showed up on Tuesday morning around 0645 and waited to see what would behold my first hour of work. My preceptor was a little set back that I was going to be with her, then set back even more that I wasn't even going to be there the whole day. Overall, I got a feeling like she didn't want me around. So, off I went to class at 0800 and spent most of the day learning about nursing policies and the like. We got a huge notebook of everything to bring home and when everyone else was going home, I had to go back up to the floor. I was already drained, but I went ahead and tried to figure out what I could do to help out. It turned out that none of my preceptor's beds had been changed, so I did that so I could feel useful. My preceptor let me go about 1830 because all she had to do was close out charts and since I had to be back in orientation the next day, she said it was fine for me to go.

Wednesday I got to the floor at 0630 and had a different preceptor. She seemed much more accepting of having a new grad for most of the day. I only had class from 0800-1200, so after we were done with class, I ate lunch and then headed back to the floor. It turned into quite an interesting day after that. I'm not going to go into details ~ I was exhausted at the end of the shift and had done an admission all by myself. When I got to the car, I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was. I called one of my good friends and before I could even start talking, I was in tears. Just the amount of paperwork that was being thrown at me along with having to do an admission along with taking my NCLEX in a week was enough to make me crazy.

Today I got to the floor at 0630 again and had the same preceptor I had on Tuesday. She was really pushing me this morning. She wanted me to take a patient. I told her that I didn't feel comfortable doing that until I finished hospital orientation. I was actually supposed to be on the floor all day today. At 0800 the charge nurse came up to me and told me they were finishing up some of the classes we didn't finish yesterday, so it turned out to be a good thing that I didn't take a patient. I talked to the educator about how my preceptor was pushing me and she talked to the manager and now everyone is on the same page. I told my preceptor that as soon as I get back from taking my NCLEX, I'm free game, but until then, it's just about me learning the flow of the floor and such. She just really didn't like that answer and told me that I wouldn't learn that way. There's some times that I think we'll get along and there's other times that I think that we won't. I'm going to give it a full shift of working with her and if she keeps treating me that way, I'll request a different preceptor. I've worked too hard to be miserable. After finishing up class and some competency testing I went and talked with the educator and had a mini-meltdown. She suggested that I go home and rest for the remainder of the day. We talked to my manager and she was okay with it, so I came home. I actually laid down and took a little bit of a nap. I have to go back tomorrow from 0800-1200 and I don't have to go to the floor, so everything should work out. After this, I don't go back until the 18th after I take the NCLEX.

So, that's my orientation so far in a nutshell. It hasn't been all that it's cracked up to be, but I think that has a lot to do with miscommunication. I think after some rest and putting the NCLEX behind me, I'll be fine! Thanks to listening to my story. I'll be posting more of my tales, cjb

It's time

So my last day as a unit secretary was mostly uneventful ~ except for the last two hours, but that's how it goes. I love the nurses and techs I work and hate that I won't be working with them, but such is life. They had a cake for me yesterday and also bought me one of the Precious Moments nurses. She's the one with the dog. It is so cute. They had also bought me some Bath and Body Works stuff and put it in a bedpan that they had all written on! It was so sweet! I can't believe they did all that for me.

Tomorrow's the day I start orientation. I haven't done much today. I had to get the oil changed in my car and get a few things ready for tomorrow but otherwise, I've been rather lazy. I have to be at the hospital at 0645 in the morning. I will spend most of the day in nursing orientation, but at least I will get to meet my preceptor and start to get a feel for the floor. Wednesday will pretty much be spent on the floor except for a small amount of time in the morning that I will be in class. Then Thursday I will be on the floor all day. I probably won't post until the end of the week, unless I have an awesome burst of energy tomorrow night. I promise to let you all know how everything goes. Thanks for checking in on me, cjb

So far, uneventful 2008

I guess that's how it needs to start. I work this weekend as my last weekend as unit secretary and then I start orientation on Tuesday. It will be a combination of orientation with all the other new nurses and some time on the floor. Since I'm a new grad, they are having to customize my orientation. I will do a lot of the testing during my internship classes, so I don't have to sit through that day.

On the 1st, I drove with a friend down to the downtown hospital where all my classes will be taking place. I just wanted to make sure I could find it without a problem. It was much easier to find than MapQuest made it out to sound! :)

On the 2nd, I went to see Atonement. It was good, but much different than they made it out to be. Then another friend called and me to join her. She had to go to another downtown hospital for bloodwork. After that, we went to the Galleria for a lot of window shopping. We had a blast, but were both very tired when we finished.

Yesterday, I did some much needed shopping at Lane Bryant. I spent a gift card from my birthday. I got a nice pair of black pants and some other things! Overall, I managed to save more than I spent. I love shopping trips like that!

Today is going to be spent at home doing laundry and catching up on things here. I need to get back on the saddle with NCLEX questions. I have 13 days until I take my boards. So far, everyone I know that has taken boards this time around has passed. Hopefully, that's a good sign!

I'm off to get my chores done and rest before the storm of next week hits. I'll keep you posted on how my transition to nursing goes, cjb

HAPPY 2008!

I hope everyone has had a quiet, relaxing day and a promising start to 2008! I don't have much to say, just wanted to say Happy New Year! More later in the week, cjb